[stripped bare]

Well, a lot has happened to me this year.  Many wonderful things, and as always a few bad things too.

I guess I can start with work.  I lost perhaps one of the greatest mentors in my life due to some silly and petty things, but in the end I realized I managed to make a lifelong friend.  Since all of that I sort of lost faith in the company that always seemed to be my second home.  Then I got transferred off to a new store amidst all the turmoil, which undoubtedly has helped my morale and made me feel a little more needed but things just haven’t been the same.  All the politics and favoritism have become so clear and changed my views on that place forever.  Now instead of home away from home, it’s just a JOB.  That bugs me, but maybe I’m just growing up and losing my naivety.

This summer I moved into a new and absolutely beautiful home, and it’s the first time in my life I can say that.  My big brother bought his first house, and he picked the perfect one.  Since moving in I have gained a lot more responsibility in paying rent and maintaining the house, and I finally have something to be proud of.  A place where I can bring friends without feeling embarassed, and most of all I get to help my brother out in a crucial time of his life.  We have an awesome, intelligent, and protective dog that we adore and things are just nice at home.  I can’t remember the last time I could say that.

Joe and I have been seperated for well over a year now, and a few months back I decided I was ready to search for someone new.  This time I felt I knew a lot more about what I wanted in a relationship, and even more so what I DON’T want.  It’s very hard for me to open up to people when it comes to holding relationships because I’ve been scarred pretty badly by past experiences.  I’ve always felt like a victim to men, too nice and giving.  Each and every time (aside from with Joe) I have ended up broken hearted and left alone.  I always thought it was me at fault, that I was just never good enough.  Well, back in the end of July I met one of the most wonderful people I could ever ask to have in my life, Beau Michael Brack <3.  We’ve had somewhat of a whirlwind romance, and currently we’re technically not together but I know my heart is his.  We’ve been through so many ups and downs and to me it has all been worth it.  Every fight, every cuddle session, every crazy night we’ve had whether it be good or bad.  I don’t think that we are over, because I know that he loves me at least almost as much as I do him.  Because of him I have started to realize my self-worth, that I am good enough for anything or anyone.  Nobody has ever made me feel so beautiful in my life, even on my dirtiest and laziest days.  I also realize that I have too much of a “glass half-empty” outlook on life, and that this is something I seriously need to work on because I keep chasing people away.  I will never make anyone happy if I can’t be happy myself.  I’m hoping that in the next year we will steadily work through our issues and learn to live in harmony with one another, accepting each other for who we are inside and out.  He gives me hope, and I want to try to become a better and more optimistic person.  I want to be everything to him that he is to me and spend the rest of my days with the loveliest man I have ever had the pleasures of meeting.

My Dad and I have created a much more solid bond this year too, even thoug he is what seems forever away.  He has been here for me like a friend, and also like a parental figure.  We haven’t always had great communication over the years, so it gives me a really good feeling to know that he is there unconditionally.  He’s the best Dad anyone could ask for.  Tricia and I, my little sister, had somewhat of a falling out about 8 months ago.  She’s my baby sister and this year she found out she’s expecting her first child.  In the beginning I was so scared for her and pretty much disappointed because she had so much potential to do more with her life.  Since then I’ve come to terms with it and realized that maybe this is her calling.  She’s matured greatly and really looks forward to being a mom.  I think she’ll do a good job and I will always be here for her.  Our relationship is slowly but surely getting back to where it used to be, and this makes me happy.  She’s always been one of my closest confidants.

I’ve solidified some amazing friendships too.  I’ve met some people who I hope will forever be in my life.  I am finally confident that I have a great group of friends because I’ve weeded out all the “bad” ones.  By this I mean all the ones who I gave too many chances, the ones who were never genuinely my friends.  I hope to continue finding all the right people to let into my heart and life.

So as this year closes, I am thankful for all the good things I’ve been granted.  For 2010 my goal is to gain more faith in myself and my abilities and move on.  I want to forget my misgivings and the misgivings of others and try to keep a positive outlook on the times and events to come, only to progress and not allow myself to move backwards or get stuck in any more emotional ruts.  I am my own worse enemy, and I don’t want that to be an issue any longer.  I have accomplished quite a lot in my 22 years and honestly I should be pretty proud of myself for overcoming so many obstacles in life.  And it would be nice to fall madly in love and have somebody reciprocate that… ;)  In order for this to happen, I’ve got to pick up the pieces of myself that I’ve let fall away. 

I hope this year will be a good one!!!

I haven’t felt this good in a long time.

Off to Philly for an adventure and something tasty to eat!

<3

todayilived:

Today, I laid in the grass and watched the dance of the infinite stars. The twinkle, it reminded me of his eyes. I was aching for touch, and trembling from the cold. Breathing in the cold air of the silent night. I heard nothing but the quiet hum of my music and the quiet breeze that you can barely hear, it was ruffling the leaves on the tree. I closed my eyes and wanted your body next to mine. I opened them, and I realized I was laying on the the grass all alone. I wanted it to rain and the water to wash me away. I felt so lonely today, it hurt.

I’m going to get myself dressed really cute for no reason.  Maybe I’ll feel better?

With no real reason.  It’s just sad, but I guess so am I.

I’m feeling goofy right now.

for beer.  I have been sitting at home bored off my ass all day.  I knew I had cleaning to do because everything is covered in a layer of dust and there’s a film of crust around the inside of my toilet bowl, but until I picked up some 40’s I had no motivation to do anything.  This could be bad… haha.  Ah, well… I haven’t had anything to drink for days.

Have you ever randomly had the thought cross your mind “Boy, things would be better if I could just die” ?

Today out of the blue I was minding my own business, walking my cart of groceries back toward my car when this very thought crossed my mind.  I know I have been pretty blue lately, but I haven’t thought such wretched thoughts in years.  I hope I’m not descending into the sadness that I once had.  A sadness that engulfed my life, my thoughts, my every motion and emotion.  Back then I was a silly kid in high school, with no real worries other than homework and boys.  I had deep rooted issues back then that still plague me to this day, but now it’s different.  I’m older, I have a house to run, a boyfriend to try my best to keep around, a full-time job that provides me with the means to live.  I can’t let this darkness surround me the way I once allowed it to, I cannot succumb to its evils. 

I am broke and severely unhappy.  I’m beginning to hate my job, hate myself.  I don’t know how to pull myself back up out of this rut before it’s too late :(

If I wasn’t so incredibly broke, I’d go to Quick Chek and get a tasty sub.